


The Truth of the Matter

by Sky Falls (Bemused_Writer)



Series: In Memorium Fics [2]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-15
Updated: 2007-07-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:51:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17804003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bemused_Writer/pseuds/Sky%20Falls
Summary: An "investigation" is done to see what Mello would have been like if he'd chosen some other sweet to bring around with him other than chocolate.





	The Truth of the Matter

**Author's Note:**

> I first wrote this story probably back in ... 2007? It was around when I finished reading Death Note at any rate. I'm not completely sure, so the post date is a bit of a guess. This was originally posted on FF.Net. I still get a kick out of this one to be honest.... --Bemused, Feb. 2019
> 
> The stories in this collection are from years ago and I'm reposting because, alas, I took them down! It's a good way of keeping track of my progress. :) If you read, I hope you enjoy but keep in mind I was a lot younger when I wrote these. XD

**Disclaimer:** _Death Note_ belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

 

When it comes down to it, Mello would be nowhere without his chocolate. Yes, he would still be a genius and yes, he would still despise Near, but the crucial factors of his psyche would be in question.

Mello chose wisely when he agonized over mouth-watering sweets; he didn't go with those (oh so tempting) French goods. No, he went with the American tradition of Hershey chocolate bars.

Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night regretting that decision thinking, 'Why? Why oh why didn't I go with the petit fours?'

Anyway, the point is that an investigation was done to see just how large a factor chocolate really had on Mello. To say the least, the results were frightening. Here are the results of said investigation.

* * *

 

**Had it been ice cream…**

So far, so good; Matt had successfully created mass chaos and hysteria giving Mello the perfect opportunity to kidnap Kiyomi Takada. Everything was going exactly as planned.

Now if only this damn bowl of ice cream would work with him.

Multitasking had never been particularly difficult for him but enough was enough; kidnapping a lady while riding a motorcycle and juggling a large bowl of melting goop on one knee was beginning to show its downsides.

The spoon had fallen away when he had swerved that one corner a little too viciously.

 _So this is Mello, Light warned me about him. I must be absolutely careful and follow Light's instructions precisely!_ Kiyomi thought. _Although, he doesn't seem too bright…_ She thought as the melted ice cream went flying out of its bowl at yet another vicious turn.

She giggled as he angrily threw the bowl to the streets.

**…his dignity would be gone.**

* * *

 

**Had it been pumpkin pie…**

Alright, he was in the SPK's base and was now confronting Near. Not a good start to the day, that's for sure. But he had to get that picture back. It wasn't that Near would give it to Kira or anything that absurd, it was just that he couldn't stand people having anything that was his.

Or it could be he just didn't like Near.

Frowning, he took another slice of his ever-present pie to calm his nerves. Ah, it had been baked to perfection, now he knew why he kept Matt around.

"…Thanks to you, Mello, I have been able to greatly narrow down my suspects for Kira."

 Were those fighting words? Well, Mello knew how to deal with those.

 The SPK members quickly drew their weapons when Mello pointed his gun at Near.

 But just as Lidner was telling him to stop, Mello had an idea.

Lowering his gun (to the relief of everyone present) he proceeded to toss his pie with as much force as he could muster at the back of Near's head.

A resounding splat followed.

Dead silence reigned king for almost an entire minute; it was Near that broke the monotony.

"It would seem that instead of dealing with your anger like a civilized human being, you have resorted to methods below even that of Kira."

He tenderly touched the back of his head where the pie still clung to him.

Mello cleared his throat, uncomfortable with his current predicament.

"Whatever. Just give me my picture back."

**…Mello still wouldn't have liked Near.**

* * *

 

**Had it been gum…**

Curse the new L and all the inconveniences that went with him!

The new L hadn't really done anything at the moment but Mello didn't think that was any reason to hate him less.

Matt was on the other couch staring blearily into a laptop.

"'Ey, 'ay mo' att'ntion to wha' yo' do'n'."

Matt looked up and blinked quizzically.

"What?"

Mello rolled his eyes at the dimwittedness his lackey displayed.

"I sai' 'ay mo' att'ntion!"

Matt sighed. Mello was so uncommunicative that it wasn't even funny anymore. Half the time he didn't understand a word the guy was saying. Showed how much being number two meant at Whammy's.

Mello blew a large bubble, nodding in satisfaction as it grew nearly as large as his head.

"Mello, I don't want to do this anymore; they're not even talking about anything important," Matt whined.

Mello's eye twitched.

"Ma'be if yo' pai'd mo' 'tt'ntion we woul'n' ha' tha' pro'."

Mello had stuck two more pieces of gum in his mouth.

"Look, I hate to tell you this Mello, but if you don't learn to speak in terms I can understand, I'm ditching you for Near."

Mello spat out the huge wad of gum he had been chewing; it was the most gruesome thing Matt had ever seen. It had to be at least three inches around the perimeter, probably more.

"Look, I said that maybe if you paid more attention to your work, we would get more done around here!" Mello growled.

Matt stared at the large pink sphere on their table. "How much gum do you chew?" he demanded.

Mello shrugged, "Why would I know? But I'd say I'm well onto my third pack by now."

Matt now had a good idea of where most of there money was going.

**…nobody would have ever worked with him.**

* * *

 

"And that is what life could have been like everybody," Near finished with a sigh.

"Wow, I never realized Mello had such a dependency," Matsuda said thoughtfully.

Near curled his hair between two fingers and said, "Yes, now let's go onto other tasks. There are many other more important investigations to finish."

When Near turned his back to them to read through a case Matsuda took the opportunity to converse.

"I'm a little surprised Near went to all that work to answer my question for me," Matsuda whispered to Mogi.

Mogi sighed. "Who knows? Maybe this is his way of commemorating him."


End file.
